No Farting During Spin Class
There are signs posted in my spin class room regarding "wiping down equipment" and "water required during class" but there needs to be a large sign in bold Times font that reads, "No Farting During Spin Class."
For those of you who have never attended spin class, I will give you a brief introduction. Spin class is taught by a skinny cheerleader bitch that never sweats, never slows down and somehow continues to talk through the hour long grinding of a "super" stationary bike. She takes center stage and controls the overused 80's music that she has personally selected as her "favorites". The stereo is never in synch with the small choreography that "spinning" entails. This would cause too much confusion for the blond leader.
The bikes are "locked" in place to prevent people from flying around the room like E.T. The seats are hard and yes, your ass and crotch hurt more than your legs for days after class. There is one dial, the master of creation, located within reach of the handle bars. It goes up or it goes down. There is also an "emergency brake" a large red handle that when pushed stops the bike IMMEDIATELY. Don't test it, trust me, it works.
Just recently, I was attending class and we were at the "half-way" mark as the blond leader called it. Which confused me since we had been spinning for 45 minutes in an hour long class? The room was hot with humid sweat and carbon dioxide. I was thankful for the large fans that blew from the front of the room. I looked around and noticed that the spinners in front of me appeared to be slowing down, row by row. It was then, that the odiferous stench hit me, like the time I was hit in the face with a wiffle ball. I gagged. The fan in the front of the room kept blowing the foul smell towards the back of the room to which was a wall full of windows that didn't open. I was trapped. My eyes watered. My eyes, blurry with tears, searched the room for the culprit farter. I went from person to person eager to point a finger and yell, "Ewee, Gross" at them. Was it the fat lady that had spaghetti sauce stains on her t-shirt? Wait, is that salsa? Did she stop off at Taco Del Mar on her way home from work and is now sharing with us the after effects of her mega bean burrito? Hmmm.. Is it the young guy in the front that I considered "hot" until he removed his sweatshirt to reveal a pit stained "Smack Down" muscle tank top?
At this point, I was unable to speak. I nodded to the girl next to me to open the door and free us from the filth that was possibly polluting our clothing.
Class ended and I stumbled out of the darkness and inhaled a deep breath of gym air that I normally consider unpleasant.
So, if you are "the farter" in Spin class or any other class, please squeeze your butt cheeks together and excuse yourself from the classroom.
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